• Angela Joyce

Inside The Mind Of An Addict

Updated: Feb 11, 2021

It’s all about feeling good, man. Drugs make me feel good.

It’s easy to find drugs and it’s easy to find friends when you’re a drug addict. All you have to do is drugs and you’re in the club. The world is harsh. People are mean. If I shoot up, I won’t have to think about it. I wont have to feel. I can feel good. And look… I made some new friends. These guys get me.

I’m coming down now. I just spent all my money on booze and blow. The stress is kicking in. Anxiety. It’s too much. I feel like crap. Why do I always screw everything up?

I just want to feel good again. How can I feel good again? The answer is simple. More drugs. My drug of choice. My safe place. Nobody will judge me here and I don’t have to think here.

My girlfriend said that if I loved her, I would get clean. She is judging me. I can see it in her face. I’m mad at myself. I’m angry with her. I hate her. She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t understand. I need this to get through the day. I’m confused. I’m angry. I need my drugs. Go away.

I don’t want to let everybody down. I never do anything right. When I’m sober I can see it in all of their faces. They think they are better than me.

I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m not even going to try. I don’t have anyone to turn to and it’s all my fault. At least I have my drugs. Need a little pick me up? A little pep talk? This bag will never leave me. It’s all I have left. This is the only thing I can rely on.

There is comfort here. Understanding and acceptance here; or at lease the closest thing to it that I have ever felt. This is good enough for me because I am not good enough. I don’t deserve anything more.

No one will ever love me. No one will ever care. At least I have my drugs. I don’t want to feel like this. I just want to be alone. Go away.

My family said that if I loved them, I would stop using. This is your fault. Leave me alone. Go away.

I don’t have to think about them when I’m high. Everything is funny when I’m high. I can handle anything. I can handle their criticism. I don’t need them.

I have to go to work today. I can’t focus because I’m sober. I can’t stop thinking. I don’t want to think. I am a failure. I know I shouldn’t get high before work but I need to focus.

I’m different. I can handle it. Other people can’t but I can. I need these drugs so that I can do my job. My boss wouldn’t mind if he knew. He doesn't understand me. Nobody understands me.

I lost my job today. I really screwed up this time. At least my ex-girlfriend and my my ex-family can take comfort in knowing that they were right. I don’t deserve that job anyway. I don’t deserve my girlfriend. I don’t deserve my family. I don’t have any friends because I stole all their money to buy more drugs. I don’t have anything. I don’t have anyone. I don’t want to feel anything. Forget them, they don’t understand me anyway.

At least I have my drugs.

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