• Angela Joyce

Inside The Mind Of An Addict

Updated: Nov 6, 2020

t’s all about feeling good. Drugs make me feel good.

It’s easy to find drugs and it’s easy to find friends when you’re a drug addict. All you have to do is drugs and you’re in the club. The world is harsh. People are mean. If I shoot up I won’t have to think about it. I wont have to feel. I can feel good. And look… I made some new friends. These guys get me.

I’m coming down now. I just spent all my money on booze and blow. The stress is kicking in. Anxiety. It’s too much. I feel like crap. Why do I always screw everything up?

I just want to feel good again. How can I feel good again? The answer is simple. More drugs. My drug of choice. My safe place. Nobody will judge me here and I don’t have to think here.

My girlfriend said that if I loved her I would get clean. She’s judging me. I can see it in her face. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at her. I hate her. She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t understand. I need this to get through the day. I’m confused. I’m angry. I need my drugs. Go away.

I don’t want to let everybody down. I never do anything right. When I’m sober I can see it in all their faces. They think they’re better than me.

I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m not even going to try. I don’t have anyone to turn to and it’s my fault. At least I have my drugs. Need a little pick me up? A little pep talk? This bag will never leave me. It’s all I have left. It’s the only thing I can rely on.

There is comfort here. Understanding and acceptance here… or at lease the closest thing to it that I’ve ever felt. It’s good enough for me because I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve anything more.

No one will ever love me. No one will ever care. At least I have my drugs. I don’t want to feel like this. I just want to be alone. Go away.

My family said that if I loved them, I would stop using. This is your fault. Leave me alone. Go away.

I don’t have to think about them when I’m high. Everything is funny when I’m high. I can handle anything. I can handle their criticism. I don’t need them.

I have to go to work today. I can’t focus because I’m sober. I can’t stop thinking. I don’t want to think . I’m a failure. I know I shouldn’t get high before work but I need to focus.

I’m different. I can handle it. Other people can’t but I can. I need these drugs so that I can do my job. My bosses wouldn’t mind if they knew. They don’t understand me. Nobody understands me.

I lost my job today. I really screwed up this time. At least my ex-girlfriend and my my ex-family can take comfort in knowing that they were right. I don’t deserve that job anyway. I don’t deserve my family. I don’t deserve my girlfriend. I don’t have any friends because I stole all their money to buy drugs. I don’t have anything. I don’t have anyone. I don’t want to feel anything. Forget them, they don’t understand me anyway.

At least I have my drugs.

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